Hand-in-Hand, Alone

With you, I dreamt alone,

But as a perfect couple;

Now, we are permanently torn…

Yet, my dreams were too supple—

Hand-in-hand you and me:

When the sky turns purple,

Just sipping our evening tea,

In silence with no crinkle;

It's neither the spike of lust,

Nor the gamble of trust;

We merely exist in the comfort

Of each other's presence with no effort

As time passes,

And the familiarity eases,

Each argument brings us closer,

Respect makes no one a loser;

It's easier to tolerate monotony,

With your stupid company…

I can be shamelessly stupid,

As you don't judge me for being timid…

My phone rings and I am sitting alone

With the reality of no one

You showed me the glimpse of my dream

Two years back and left me with silent scream

Indeed, now, you and I are just strangers,

Who just crossed paths as loss exchangers;

It's hard for me to ignore

The existence of your lore

Hope to let go of my dreams

One day I will heal and run along the stream…

Two Birds Sing out of Chorus

The couple of losses wounded your innocent bird;

You never waited for it to heal;

You forcefully shoo the bird away from you;

So that you need not feel the pangs of pain;

You empty the room from flapping animated innocence,

And filled it with fancy bottles of wine and random chalices…

Your life fits comfortably in the hollow.

You and I shouldn’t have crossed our paths;

But, we did at the oddest of time!

Of course, neither the time favours me ever, nor do I ever bow to it;

Because, I let my innocent bird live wild and free in me;

Indeed, I had more losses than one could ever have normally;

Yet, I didn’t learn to tame or contain my bird;

I can never be cruel enough to send the wounded bird away.

When we met, you just didn’t believe;

So, you just befriended me to test if the wildness was real;

Then, you witnessed me as a fictional character out of a book;

As your emptied room echoed loud,

You knocked off all my walls and reached out to my bird;

The more you spent time with my bird, the more you learned its pros and cons,

And your empty walls bellowed deeper to bring back your bird home;

You got scared of the wounded bird coming back;

It was easier for you to shut your doors at me;

Indeed, I am alright!

But, you never should have tried to be in touch with my innocent bird…

I still don’t know how to console or contain her from your absence;

I still try to help my little innocent bird to heal and flap her wings and chirp again…

My bird still sings to your bird that roams in the farther land with no home to return…

As your bird lost its voice to the unknown, he never sings back at all…

Letters to No One

 Dearest Mr. Silent Distance,

And Constant Resistance,

How have you been without my presence?

Hope you keep up with your essence:

‘Out of sight, out of mind’!

Indeed, you don’t have to mind—

The existence of a real friend in a fake city;

You have taken yourself far and more;

I just see time passes by me to wear and tear;

I do rationalise that the blame is on me: 

Neither can I compartmentalise ‘you and me’, 

Nor can I flip the switch to erase and move…

I am alright without trying to woo;

Of course, you didn’t have any feeling,

So there is no need for healing;

To me, it has always been one-sided dealing,

I keep fighting alone through this feeling for healing…

On me, neither time nor distance has its effect;

As everyone rightly points out, it’s only my defect;

You are winning trophies for your mastery in running;

Whereas, I am losing myself in pining;

My mind gaslights my stupid heart to trust as it was just my dream;

Your mind knows to be smart to shut your heart’s scream…

The 3 AM Soprano

The luteal phase is here:

Emotions are singing in soprano;

Sleep is just dancing to the vibe;

Time and distance never make sense;

It’s only just month after month.

Reasons try to rein the emotions:

To see and talk to the ones I want is impossible!

Yet, "the heart wants what it wants."

If my tears could bring them all back,

Generations of loved ones from centuries ago

Would have come back to life by now;

Yet, tears can’t move one living heart to say "Hi."

I must be a faded memory to them…

My reasons and actions to let them go

Don’t have the tiniest effect on my emotions.

I wish my tears could wash away the memories at least;

But they just run uselessly down my cheeks,

Wishing and praying for the shut hearts to open.

A Send-Off to 2025

 Dear 2025, 

With you, my 5-year plan of just breathing in and out ends,

Or You take that bare survival plan with you, please;

When I turned back and check,

2020 doesn't look that far at all;

I was forced to live through loss after loss; 

My friends pass on a snide comment: 

“You have nothing to lose anymore!”

Here I press that rewind button: 

2020 - WOW! What a year to the world! 

The entire planet's sense and sensibility was challenged:

Personally, I was hoping for just 10-day lock down, 

Which turned out to be a 10-month lock down;

My four pets passed away, 

Which forged a dreadful fear of losing my parents; 

Vacated the city and reached hometown,

Trusting everything will be going back to normal

By the last day of the year.

2021- Egregious demises unleashed! 

The year began with my father's heart attack;

Though he survived it with 3 stents fixed,

3 months later, he passed away in the second wave;

My mom was a beacon of hope and light;

She fought 5 decades of battles no one could imagine, 

But, she lost to the virus in the second wave;

Just on the fourth day of my father's demise.

To my surprise, I was born with bronchitis and rhinitis;

Still can't fathom, how I live through it all

Without even a hospitalisation!

I officially became 39-year-old orphan,

With no tangible asset to possess,

With no emotional or moral support to assess,

With only one pet to cry with;

So, left the hometown with bare necessities; 

To the same metro city I have been working.

2022 - What just happened?

Days and nights passed by 

Month on month passed by too...

Still not sure what just happened;

How I am still breathing!

However, friends sponsored a trip to Ganges; 

Indeed, I had a cold dip for a while there...

Sadly, returned to my home leaving 

Beautiful Ganges and lovely friends too...

Rest of the year, I cut off many people 

And shut myself to my home,

The only saving grace was my cat 

Who survived out of 7 of them…

Somehow, we were rescuing each other.

2023 - Clumsy routine of corporate! 

A year just passed without me noticing;

Not knowing how to move forward,

Focus shifted to the only survival option: Work!

Return to Office (RTO) has been established;

Choosing between WFH and Hybrid mode

Was a huge challenge —

After 2020, team members are not just pan India but pan world —

Visiting office for few hours to meet RTO,

Working at home to meet all geographical time zones,

Is the new norms with no standard working hours;

Still I haven’t figured out whether I WFH or WFO! 

When life threw us out of congruence,

Astonishingly, mundane madness becomes a saviour; 

I started bonding with new colleagues at office, 

Which made me look forward to meeting them…

On that note, the year ended!

2024 - Year of Butterflies and High of Love!

One of the office colleagues turned into a favourite friend; 

As he gave his shoulder to cry on,

My empty self took an advantage of it:

Without even processing my grief,

I fell for him head over heals:

My to-do list for the year was to make food for him,

And spend most of my time with him; 

Mostly, the year was all about him...

One year is a long time for butterflies to flutter;

By the end of the year, he left me without a clue. 

2025 - Dealing with abandonment and uncertainties

Panic attacks and wheezing for months continued...

Therapy sessions to regulate emotions 

That never calm down more than a day; 

When everything was out of control,

Job was the only thing never threatened me so far;

June 2025 - Boom! One secure thing that lasted for 2 decades

Is now agitated by the booming AI, 

And brutal lay offs of thousands and thousands started; 

Legit, I was quite convinced myself—

Without chasing for more, I will retire in the same company;

Now, everyday seems lucky because I still have the job!

Also, nothing went back to normal after 2020;

But in spite of all, I did achieve my 5-year plan! 

I am still breathing in and out—

This year does bring back the focus on me and only me.

Thank you and adios, 2025.

Friends From Stardust

I agree - you never asked for any of them;

I gave them all as a token of my gratitude!

You never know what have you given me:

You saved the dying part of me

That is so live and hopeful once,

You woke up those butterflies 

From almost 7 years of hibernation,

My purpose for life has been altered,
I got the drive to go on.
Without any concrete reason to quote,
You mean the world to me.
I give, give and give price-tagged materials
Not because I have in excess
But because I can’t express enough my gratitude
For the change you brought into my life
I know you don’t feel the same,
I understand you were there just for time-being,
Yet, nobody ever was there for me once in my lifetime
You showed me in such short span of time:
How it would be to live the life I dreamed!

I am aware:
I am too poor to achieve it,
I am physically incorrigible,
I am a boring person to converse,
I am old and pathetic,
I am clumsy and dramatic;
But, I never hide any of them
I am always true to myself and others...
Of all the human beings I know
I expect the least from you:
 Please don’t highlight any of them to me,
And just accept my gratitude gifts!
I understand you want to push me away,
So you hit hard on my soft spot.
Even you did indirectly - it hurts so much,
Neither I expressed how I feel about you,
Nor I ever cling on you tangibly...
Yet, you always advise me to be practical,
And to fit into the society I live in,
Which is impossible.
My inner self keeps drifting away from practicality.
I am sorry I can’t stake other’s life,
For my social and financial securities!

I can’t have control over my emotions either...
(I guess no one ever has!)
They get invested without my conscious choice,
They are super strong and rustic;
Once they organically grew fond of someone,
They can’t easily change their course.
My reasons keep them in tact in all seasons -
And make sure not to meddle with your course!
How can I be calm?
When you are physically and emotionally suffering?

I do keep myself away from you,
I don’t want to know your whereabouts,
I am being practical with you!
Though I wake up and go to bed with your thoughts,
I never ever tried to reach out to you;
Yet, the pain you are going through haunts me...
Too dramatic but true!
I always feel you next to me
Though we don’t talk for months together...
I believe we were stardust friends in the Universe
And are born in meat suits in different decades,
Who are not meant to meet each other
May be as a punishment...
Yet, we met!
I decided to take the punishment of the Universe:
I am literally running away from you;
With a hope to meet you again as stardust!

Living Hell

The prolonging grey days,

Walking through the long grave corridor,

Amidst stinking mortality and morbidity,

Living seems to be sinful and burdensome!

The mortal attire of flesh and blood,

Drives sanity to insanity,

Senses to numbness...

The tunnel is darker, denser and longer,

Tired of expecting to see the light,

Accustomed to chronic darkness...

Fireflies flicker once in a while:

The little moments of hope and joy last too short,

As the fireflies fade away sooner...

Back on dark track,

With a huge screech of reality!

The Meaningless Mire

I wake up early in the morning,

Indeed, too early to Sunday morning,

Open my balcony, 

Sit there and take a deep breath,

To the view of silhouette of buildings and trees;

Whiff the cold breeze
Clubbed with the warmth of sun rays,

Sense the harmony in animated trees,

Can’t ingnore the signature beauty 

Of Bangalore mornings!

Witness the daily routine of a crow family:

In the morning, whatever be it,

Mamma and Pappa crows sit together,

Clean each other and plan their day;

It’s such a beautiful sight to see them 

So committed to each other

They sort out all their conflicts,

When the sun goes down;

When the sun is up, they shine with hope.

This scene gives me the energy to go on

With the dull routines,

And nightmarish real-life problems:

Tangled in the parental kinship 

That drowns me every day

In the mire of meaningless madness;

Started with gratitude and sincere respect, 

Went on for the sake of unconditional love,

Now, all faded away - just the fear - 

Not to fail the duty!

Sanity points out that in the course, 

I lost the self care or sustenance;

Neither have the courage to go beyond,

Nor have the choice to get out of the mire;

Years passed with cautious notion - 

Not to entangle another soul into the whirlwind 

I hold to this moment of everyday morning  

Where the morning breeze whispers:

“Carry on my wayward son

There will be peace when you are done 

Lay your weary head to rest

Don’t you cry no more”

(Quoted lines are from a song by Kansas)

My Beautiful Attic

Try hard to keep the door of my attic closed,

As there live the scariest memories; 

The raindrops create a crack,
The petrichor creeps in, 

The moonlight sneaks in, 

The wind of music is the key
To let the brute beauty out;
If my attic opens, my roof is wiped off.
I need no marijuana to get knocked off -
Very few joyous moments with loved ones
Are my intoxication!
Sensible me lacks emotion,
Fakes smile,
Works smart,
Never loses brain,
Too hard to get close;
It is really good to be sensible me
And I choose to be so, most of the time!
A very few people - may be a half-a-dozen
Break my sensible self
Bring out my craziness and vulnerability
The moments I spent with them are real!
Sadly, none of them walked along longer,
Proving being alone is inevitable.
Yet the limited time I spent
Is kept safe in my attic.
I keep the curious and stupid child in me
Locked along with them -
By shutting all the possible prompts
Of nature and totems connected to them,
By Numbing myself in the virtual stupidity
Of unnecessary plots of movies and series;
Vulnerability vanishes,
Silence grows...

Memorable Memories and Relentless Reality

The canopy of trees prolongs throughout the road,

As I walk through the lane of beautiful memories,

My eyes are filled with glee

My ears are filled with melodies 

The lips are wide-spread with a smile 

I am aware I am reliving the past!

Those were the days I lived the moments:

Neither the trace of past disturbed me,

Nor the fear of future hindered me;

A moment on moment gushed with no notion

With the coven of two witches and a wizard;

We used to cook up instant spells,

With the ingredients:

"Where to go? and What do we do?"

Impromptu plans and immediacy in action!

Days were gone,

The coven is broken, 

Magic is vanished - poof! 

I am sitting alone in the office bus,

Peeping through the window

The sun is up with the bright smile

He might have bathed

In the rain of pathos as well;

Somehow we connect...

He is all alone shining through the day

Needs none to light him up 

So self-made and self-aware 

Somedays he goes behind the clouds

And cries his eyes out 

Most of the days he is fine 

Living up to his might!

A roaring noise brings me back to now,

As a fighter jet tears the blue;

Here opens the door to mundane reality!

Self-made Imprisonment

Days were dull and dreary;

Nights were lone and forlorn.

The everyday routine of corporate prison

Is efficient enough to achieve inefficiency

For a random manager's pride and ego...

Shifts are shifted

Baseless targets and clueless deadlines

Continued to the wit's end!

Streaks of a rainbow

Peeped in without an announcement:

The high walls of monotony start to crumble,

Gray bars were full of climbers and blossoms,

The inanimate course turned to vividly animated,

Emotions and senses fluttered avidly;

Reasons are null to answer any of whys or hows...

The immense joy of the moments was worth a lifetime!

Yet, nothing lasts forever;

The blossoms are withering,
The climbers are dying;

Guards are awake

To rebuild the walls higher and stronger,

To paint the bars grayer;

Holding on to the traces and memories...

Breathing easy beyond the suffocation!

Life - A Mockery

In undefined definition, 

Unrefined reasons,

Uncertain moments,
Beauty sustains...
Clumsy and flimsy
Messy and fishy
Yet aromatic and romantic
Are the impromptu happenings...
Arrested expressions,
Overwhelming gestures,
 Are the inevitable experiences...

Anihilated to deny the authenticity of id,
Too timid to accept the vulnerability,
Breaking into pieces never helps
Analytical skills diminish...
 Why not cherish every bit of it
Treasure the fragments in sensible storage
Moments of impulsive joy
Are too short and rare to decipher
It is OK to enjoy
But not to intoxicate...
Because ruin is the road for emotionally driven souls!

Judicial norms of tradition and culture,
Social pattern of lifestyle,
Stoop down to the bumpy gravel road.
Can't live out the heart
Can't chase the dreams
Can't be original
One decision involves many souls;
Terms and conditions are always impossible
To read or write...
But not to sign blindly to follow the herd
What a life of mockery it is!

Butterflies Flutter in the Wrong Season!

Wounded to the core

Know not the medicine

Nobody is reason

Malignant disease of desire

Grows to destruct day by day

Still sensibility holds the rein

Never felt so weak and timid

Dare to even face the illness

That holds life from the death

The irony lies there!

Malignancy of the benign virus is cruel:

Memories are reviving 

Butterflies are fluttering 

Heartbeats are darting 

Jitters are all over now and then!

Many times reasons fade away 

Anxious impulses drive through

Just for a wink and a smile

At times, reason strongly injects 

A giant needle of reality 

To put the sickness down...

Genuinely, the ride has never been smooth;

Sadly, the driver takes all the wrong turns.

At the end, falling from the cliff is sure!

Truly, resisting the journey is hell...

Going with the wind will tear the soul apart.

Annoyingly, there is no right or wrong;

Yet, the social limitations are too strong.

Every time, ending up in impossiblity is the trend!

Why can’t for once things go right?!?

Forbidden Boundless Beauty

A Lotus roots in the mire,

With all knots and mess,

Believing the world is so entangled and dark,

Until a ray hits the surface,

 She is awestruck!

Fights through her stalks, 

To witness the wonder, 

She reaches out, 

To the flawless plain water,

To the beauty of the peaceful world;

She falls in love with the ray,

For pulling her out,

For giving her eyes!

She blushes out in pink,

Opened up petal by petal,

Dreaming she can be one with the Sun,

She is all bloomed up to join hands with him;

Brooding melancholy of reality awakens her up...

He is always far beyond her reach! 

Sadly, she can't change the way she feels,

Even after knowing the differences and distance,  

She gives all her might to just see him shine,

She withers out with no regret,

Seeing her forbidden boundless beauty!

A Noose of Passion

Stepped out of college a dozen year ago,

With eyes full of dreams, 

With heart full of passion, 

To impart,

To change a few lives,

To learn everyday,

To be with youth forever;

Did grab a noose to the dream!

 For a couple of years,

Tried the best to climb up:

The rope seemed to be fascinating and pure,

When it was held by the predecessors;  

But the rope was too slimy to grip,

With the bare hands, 

It needed very expensive gloves to hold on, 

The passion makes the hands sweat a lot, 

So hopelessly dropped the noose

Jumped into the mire of chaos

With altered passions 

With existential intentions...

Hope to swim through it 

To the purple horizon!

Why am I so Impossible?

At everyone’s counsel with crushed ego

At everyone’s eyes aimless and fruitless

Standing alone,

Cutting a figure of sorrow,

Believing every soul is born

With the quest to seek;

It’s almost three and a half decades,

Deep down the churning never stops

Promising clues keep the show on...

Sometimes, the thought creeps in –

What if the quest and clues are mere mirages!

What if the seeking and waiting are all for nothing!

Even after so many years...

It is very hard to compromise with the world.

Missing those innocent days...

Sometimes change is not welcoming,

Some changes are unbearably painful:

Losing the innocence, immaturity, and inner rush,

Adapting to maturity, social evolution and sensible wisdom,

Are challenging and in no way welcoming;

Losing the charm of meaningless and reasonless friendship, 

Upgrading to responsible and sensitive friendship,

Are not fun at all;

Missing stupid jokes and wide giggles,

Talking of wisdom and lessons learned,

Sound so gravely old!

Yes, the fear creeps in:

Is growing-up a bane or boon?

Where does this growth lead?

To ugly rotten heavy selfish secured living?

Or to blissful everlasting joyous wisdom/beauty?

Time and space are terrible villains:

They keep changing priorities;

They keep changing the very meaning!

They never give reasons,

They just play many riddles,

Many riddles are left unanswered till the end...

Futile Hard Work of Five Decades

Shredded pieces of immense talent,

Keep on trying to tower over

Real-life barriers: finance, society and family;

Even the tiniest aspiration is pricked in every way,

Deeply regretted for living in a society,

Where everyone is insensitive,

Densely felt ruined for living in a family,

Where everyone insults the immense talent,

Of all, the sabotage of finance is unamendable,

Ultimately suppressions of aspirations,

Agitate the core confidence of living...

Year by year passed on and on...

Tears never stopped to shed.

The endless combat leads nowhere

But to healthless and wealthless insecured life!

For some, life can never be kind,

No philosophy or no religious belief

Or no logical reason brings meaning,

Life does go on and on with pain and suffering...

And day by day the spark of hope,

Is doomed in darkness...

Hoping for hope becomes tedious;

The horse is running on and on,

In the race of unjust mutiny,

Not just for one or two years,

But for three solid decades,

Yet there is no sign of destiny...